Your Absence.

Truthfully, I don’t know how long you’ve been gone.
And for a sentimental person like me who likes to quantify days and milestones and celebrate anniversaries - it’s hard to say
I don’t know the day you left me.

Imagine that.
The time we were together felt absolute and eternal.
And then suddenly you were gone.

But I only just noticed yesterday.

Well - I should say I only finally admitted it yesterday.
A ‘breakthrough’ some might call it. To finally admit such an absence in my life.

When we were together it was so loud!
In my head and in my heart.
And in my home.
We had so many endless hours of things to talk about.
To Scream about.
To cry about.

Looking back at our togetherness, I can’t say I took it for granted
But I just thought it’d be forever.
I thought there would never be a day in life again that I didn’t feel your presence.

But here I am.
In this giant bed with my toes curled tight and my hair all a mess.
Just thinking about your absence.

For your Goods and your Bads -
And I guess if we’re really being honest here it was mostly Bads -
at least you were Constant.
Relentless.
Unabashedly present in every moment of the day.

Is this an Ode to you? Or an Ode to me for surviving you?

I think of you and choke up. We were together for so long!
Too long, actually.
Why did I let you stay so long?
Why did I bring you home with me?
As a matter of fact, I’ve blamed you for all these things but - if we’re still really being honest here -
It was me who let it happen.

So back to Your Absence.
There is a quiet in my head.
A soreness in my heart like the feeling after a sharp pain subsides.
My bones feel hollow and my arms have that kind of lightness like all the sleep wore off at once and my blood is finally back where it’s supposed to be.

Your Absence has made room.
Room for thoughts and hopes and trying again.
Room for peace and healing and loving again.
Most ironically, your absence gives me enough space to realize how Big you were -
which I never noticed - not once - the whole time we were together.
Your Bigness swallowed me, a little bit every day.
So in your Absence, I’m finding my whole self again.
A little bit every day.

And since we’re still being honest, because there’s nothing else left to be -
I can say I miss you - just a smidge.
There was always something to talk about.
Scream about.
Cry about.
Wake up 20 times in the middle of the night and let my thoughts race about.
Ok.
Maybe I don’t miss you.
But you were Constant.

Your Absence is a blue sky whirring past through the sunroof.
Your Absence is the cold air with the warm sun on top of it. The kind that makes you leave your jacket at home.
Your Absence is just one bird chirping softly while all the others are still snuzzling in bed, curling their toes, and rubbing their messy hair.

My Dear Anger, your absence is the greatest loss I’ve felt in my lifetime.
I know we’ll find each other again.
But you can’t move in.
You can’t stay forever,
or even the whole day.
Because My Dear Anger, I have to tell you -
I’m not keeping room for you again.
Your Absence is everything I wanted in life.
Everything I deserve in life.
And I can’t keep you this time.
I won’t keep you.